I have seen few come and go. But those that have were close and sacred. I will never accept saying goodbye, for it is something in this life that doesn't seem fair. To love someone with everything you are, to have them be your entire world, only to be ripped away to early by something that doesn't happen to people you know. I have wept on my pillow only to wake the next morning with swollen eyes and a pounding head. I have cursed at God and denied his existence in the moments of anger and rage. I have cried for forgiveness for not saying what I should have said when I had the chance. I have painfully regretted every harsh word that ever left my mouth. I have held myself up, barely teetering on the edge of awareness of what my mind knew but my heart could not accept. If accepted, my heart would surely shatter, never to be whole again.
I recall a bathroom, and stall doors, kicking at them until I felt they would fall off their hinges, and I would walk away better. That does not happen. You kick, you scream, you cry, you hurt, you deny.
I will never be able to accept this. I want to be "enlightened". To know that every creature passes from this state of consciousness to the next. I am aware of this, but put it out of my mind so that I can function day to day, not worried about who will leave me next.
My heart has healed, but the scars are there. I have built up a wall that functions to keep people at a safe distance. Healthy? No. But we all do it. That first gut wrenching pain never leaves us, we only learn to live with it and tone down its sound.
For everything turn turn turn. Aren't those the words? I will heal, but today is the day to grieve.
